These are testing times for all of us - you're dunking Digestive's but you want to roll with your Wagon Wheel lifestyle. With this easy to follow, step-by-step guide you too can punch the crunch.
Want to buy-to-let but can’t get a mortgage? Don’t be-a-letdown - forget HBOS – you need YesBoss! The high-street bank that says High-Five! to 125% mortgages secured on your grandmother’s kidneys. You’re wife’s nagging at you to take her on a shopping spree but you don’t trust her with your wallet. No problem, with the new Credit-Crunch card from YesBoss she's superstylish, she’s always able to buy a round of drinks and she still seems to be wearing a new outfit every time you see her - she's a Recessionista!
Bored of traipsing round TK Maxx after her? Want to treat yourself but can’t afford the latest Blu-Ray movie releases? Beat the Crunch – Betamax! Some people will try to tell you that it was rendered obsolete by VHS many moons ago but don’t listen - the suffix max comes from maximum which surely suggests greatness. Plus, it comes with Extended Definition as standard – a whole 500 lines of resolution and a promise of reduced luminescence noise.
Food prices getting you down? You might be feeling the pinch but with the crunch-diet saving pounds needn’t mean piling them on! Start the day the way with a lite bite – grain prices might be on the up but Credit-Crunchy Nut Cornflakes have never been so cheap – they’re 99% interest-rate free! Fancy an evening in with the latest video cassette movie and a Takeaway? Has the cost of curry become a worry? Forget about it. You don’t need Takeaway – you need Fakeaway! So cheap you’ll even have enough liquidity left over for a drink.
Fallen behind on your interest payments? You need to save some cash before the repo-depot come knocking on your door demanding your Gran’s precious innards as collateral. You can forget about vacations for a while - that two month tour of Thailand is out of the question - but don't let the sodden English summer rain on your parade. Do what I did – take a Staycation! You’re house can soon be turned into that five-star luxury hotel you had your eye on. Buy a box of After Eights and leave one on your pillow. Be sure to remove the do not disturb sign from the door and your house mate will change your bed-linen whilst you’re out visiting your home town’s “ethnic areas” during the day. If you really want to immerse yourself in the foreign culture you’ve found yourself then why not visit one of those whacky food markets they have. Dried scorpions? Who’d-a-funk it? Send one to your workmates as a novelty postcard and, provided they don’t notice the local postmark, they'll never know you stayed at home for a week! Need a drink to wind down after a long day seeing the sites? Buy a mini-fridge for your bedroom, stock it full of whisky-miniatures and nuts and raisins and kickback and enjoy the first evening of your staycation.
If you’re feeling thrifty then send us your penny pinching suggestions to credit@crunching.com and we can beat the crunch together!
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